No Regrets...

Christmas, a time to reflect on the year, the love we share, not just for each other, but the love of a savior, the love of a father and the sacrifice he made for us. My husband and I hosted a Christmas party for both of our families in 1998. It was a big affair and much to my surprise everyone came. I am sure now that it was a gift from the Lord. A gift for each of us. Everyone walking away with a different gift , but a gift all the same. I didn't know then that it was the last Christmas I would spend with my dad. Nor, did I know that it would be the last holiday of any kind that I would spend with my sister. As I was standing in the back room mashing potatoes for forty five with my daddy and laughing at the use of Coleman stoves to cook for so many I was caught up in the delight of spending time in the kitchen with him. I wasn't thinking ahead to a time when he would no longer be mashing potatoes of carving turkey. I cherished that moment in time, held it close to my heart both then and now. My last Christmas with my daddy. My sister was fighting cancer and appeared to be in a winning phase and that was good. My mom, just a couple days later would end up in the ICU, bleeding from who knows where and chemo would follow. I was tired, tired from all the work of the party, tired from all of the Dr. visits, tired from all of the worry. Wondering when I would lose them. Would I have another Christmas?

Now ten years later, all of our children are grown and on their own. I am an orphan. My sister is resting in Heaven with my mom and dad. I am happy for them. I have a vision of them together looking down on all of us and smiling. Holding tight to one another and waiting for our time to come again. That is the greatness of a Savior and a life eternal; the simple thought that never again for all of eternity will I ever, or those that I love, be alone. I have friends and family who seem to take for granted their time here on this earth. Take for granted that the ones they love will be here when they feel like hanging out. They seem to think that time is irrelevant. That time some how stands still and when they deem it ready that all the ones they love will be anxiously waiting in the wings to be graced by their presence. Wouldn't it be amazing if it worked that way? Then there would be no regrets. There would be no what if's. What if I would have just gone last Christmas? What if i would have just set aside my differences and loved them with all my heart? Did they know how much I loved them? Did they know they were important to me?

So many questions and too few answers. I don't know why, but I am grateful that God allowed me no regrets. No what if's. He just made me the kind of daughter that wanted more than anything to be with her parents. The kind of sister that even though we weren't raised together she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me. This whole idea of taking for granted my loved ones has been laying so heavy on my heart these last few days I had to find a way to get rid of it. So here it is written down and tucked away so that I can move on. I pray I never have to comfort someone that I love through regrets and what if's. Someone I know just told me we all want to be Norman Rockwell family at Christmas. We all have too many expectations of what Christmas is really all about. It reminds me of Clark Griswald in Christmas Vacation. It wasn't about presents and all the other stuff that junks up what Christmas really is. It was about family, the good and the bad, the weak and the strong, about getting all together and throwing out, if only for a day or a week, all that makes us crazy about each other and coming together as one great big bunch to just let everyone know they are loved. It is the gift that Christmas is. The gift given down from Heaven above. The gift of love and salvation. And right here on this earth when times seem tough and we can't always feel the love of Christ he gives us each other to remind us that love is abundant and it comes in many forms. So for those of you who take love and loved ones for granted I hope and pray that the Lord gives you the time to make it right and that there will be no regrets and no what if's in your life. And for those of you who have no regrets I am happy for you and blessed by your ability to love.

Merry Christmas, joy, peace and much love,
Kim

Thanksgiving

I guess we had a fine Thanksgiving lots of laughter around the table and the turkey, well, it was my best, if I do say so myself. All of my kids except Sarah were home and I'm getting used to holidays without her. I wish she lived closer and maybe someday soon she will, but for now I am learning to accept those things that I cannot change. A hard lesson that one, learning to accept the things that make your heart ache. Learning that heart ache is what you make it. It either rules you, or you take charge and rule it. I am taking the lead on heart ache now and it feels pretty darn good. I still though, don't understand when families hurt each other. When mommies say and do things to hurt their children, when daddies turn away from their daughters... I ran into an old "friend" the other day and she is expecting her second grand baby. For me a new grandchild is another little piece of Heaven right here on this Earth, but she wasn't happy at all. She was mad that her son had fathered yet another child without thinking before screwing as she put it. Sad... It isn't the baby's fault that his father doesn't think first or with the correct head. I am guessing now that that sweet little baby is going to need all the love he can get. I also have a friend who is expecting her first grand child and the baby is going to be born very sick. She will need surgery within days if not hours of being born and though everyone has their hopes high I know there is fear lurking in the background and I think about her daughter. As a mom you wish only to keep fear and pain at bay for your children and in this case both of those things are impossible. So you rely on your faith to bring the much needed peace and you pray that God, the Father, reigns down all the mercy and grace he can muster.

As the holidays approach I am more thankful than ever. Thankful for my girls, for their babies, for my family, my friends and yes, even for moist turkey. I no longer will live in the past and the sadness of it. I miss my mom and my daddy so very much, but I know they are still here with me and as for the stuff that happened that has caused much sadness in my life I have forgiven those that need forgiveness and that includes forgiving myself for allowing the tragedy that happened to have taken place. Forgiveness is a much needed necessity and now that it has taken place my life is so much easier to accept. So, there is that word again, accept, hmmmmm....... I wonder why it has taken me so long to accept acceptance. I may never know. For now, I am just happy I have a loving husband, happy children and the most beautiful, smartest grandchildren on this earth. Oh yeah, I got to meet my 9th grandchild the other day. I cannot wait until he/she is born and in my arms. Yes, I have much to be thankful for.

Christianity

Just a little warning I am gonna rant a bit. It has been common knowledge that I have always been a little left of right it my values and views which usually doesn't coincide well with Christianity, but I call myself a christian and I try desperately to live a christian life. To do what the Lord would have me do. To treat others with the love that Christ commands me too. In 1 Corinthians 13:13 we are told of three gifts given to us by God; And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. So here lies the problem for me. Granted we live in a broken world, but must we in the name of Christianity break it further? The gay community wishes to be married legally, to raise their children like heterosexual couples do as married parents. What, I ask you is the problem here? Yeah, I know what the Bible says regarding homosexuality, but like I said, this world is broken and no matter what the church wants this matter is not going away things change and like so many other values that have seen crumble away in time the gay community will get what they ask for as long as they are willing to fight for it. I remember when living together without the confines of marriage was considered the most evil of sin and now it is common practice no one even thinks anything of it anymore. Who am I to stand in their way and why in the name of Christ would I protest a life style. Why in the name of Christ would I stand on a street corner and profess that the God of love, the God who gave his own precious son to die for me so I can live in the mercy and grace of a love so incomprehensible, could hate, or cast out, or despise, or any other hateful thing a group of people who want only to legitimize the union they long for. I find it almost laughable that so many of us are so afraid of commitment that we run and hide from it confines and here is a group of people who want so desperately to commit to one another and they cant. Why not stay out of it and let the Lord judge for it is he that makes the final call. We all go before him in the end. Having said that I am having a hard time with the gay community infiltrating church services and standing outside churches and temples protesting Christianity, or maybe more correctly the church. One act of hate in retaliation for another isn't right either. There is no more eye for an eye, nor tooth for a tooth. That is old testament law and we live under a new covenant. I can only stand up for myself, so I vow only to love in the Name of Christ and even though there are things I don't personally believe in I will never spout hate in the name of Christ and it is my personal mission that when I here hate spoken in the name of my Savior I will speak up loudly and remind them that we serve a God of love not hate and that he wishes all to be saved and no one to perish. I will remember the greatest of these is love and I will not judge. And I will pray that it starts with one and then another and another and soon the word Christian will again be a sweet word, a word that speaks only love and it will never again be a word of hate.

The Color Purple

I was 21 the first time I read The Color Purple. I picked up a copy at the local Safeway, started reading and didn't quit until the last page was turned. Ceilie, what a woman you are. Next came the movie which I have seen a time or two and now, in just a few short months I will see it on stage, set to music. A full circle moment. I think I may have to revisit the prose just to remind myself of the beauty of Alice Walker's words. The story she tangles up in the emotions of my mind. The relationships, good, bad, ugly, implied. I can't wait to see the rise of this woman on stage. You go Ms. Celie, you go!!!

"Aunt" Jemimah

This is Lily Kate. She is my sweet granddaughter full of life and her own very interesting take on this world. I always love to get her view on things I usually learn something. Her mom is going to have a baby. It took Lily a few days before she could grasp the idea of her mommy having a baby in her tummy after all Auntie Backle just had McKenna in her tummy and you could definitely tell that something was going on inside. It was big and round and even moved every now and again. She could touch it, feel it move, but her mommies tummy was just the same as it always was. It took her sister Iris to convince her that the whole thing wasn't a joke. Now come the questions. With much though she asked me one day if her mommy was going to have her tummy cut open like Backle. I explained that mommy would have her new baby brother or sister a different way, but it would be up to mommy to tell her how. Lily was fine with that and our conversation went on to more important things like could she have her candy that we had bought at the store for after dinner. A few days went by and my phone rang it was Jazzie, Lily's mommy, calling to tell me that she and Lily had had a little talk and she, like me, had learned a little something from having spent some time chatting with Lily. Now, as you know most families have names for certain areas of their children's anatomy. Jazz has always referred to the girls private parts as their "girl spots". This has been fine up until now. As Jazzie tried to explain that the new baby would emerge into this world via her girl spots. Lily looked very confused, so began the use of correct terminology. Mommy has a vagina, (the big V word), just like your girl spots, Jazzie explained and the baby slides through it and out the opening and into the world. Lily contemplated this new word and realized with much joy that she too had a Jemimah! Now, I ask you, my fellow sisters, isn't Jemimah a much sweeter word that the ol' "V" word? I say let us unite and together make the change. From now on we birth our children through our Jemimah, menstruate, make love... You get the picture. Historically it has been men who have come up with alternative names for that very sacred place. Now we as women can fight back and instead of some nasty and ugly name that a man has come up with we as women can stand together for change and embrace our JEMIMAH.

Loss

I suffered a loss this weekend. She didn't die, she just ceased being the woman she was and finished the metamorphosis she has been going through for the last twelve or so years. I am void of feeling. Empty. Sad. She is here on this earth, in this world and yet the last glimmer of the person she was, the woman I grew up with and admired, the woman I hoped to emulate someday is gone. In a word I know she would understand our relationship has become "toxic" to me. I know that if I continue to nurture this relationship I will only get hurt and am I willing to continue in hope that she will return? I think not. I must take a stand for myself, for my heart and just say good bye. Now, I am left with this dilemma. Do I tell her I love her with every beat of my heart, but something has changed between us and I can't continue putting myself in this position, or do I quietly walk away and cherish my sweet memories??? What would Christ do? I know that he would continue to love, but how would He, have me, for a lack of a better word, behave in this situation?



In this life we play at the relationship game. We love, we laugh, we cry, we are passionate, lazy, carefree, obsessed, tired, sated and in the end we hope that we have left a legacy of love. That those who matter to us know they were indeed loved. Someone I know once told me she wanted her Epitaph to read, "She loved Well". The words people would remember her by when she has left this world. The simple little words that come to mind when her loved ones reminisce over coffee during the holidays.. She Loved Well. What more could someone want than to be remembered with such elegant words. I have thought over the years about this little sentence and I hope my loved ones know that I love them... I love them to the moon and back (thank you Lily), that I love them just as they are, that they are what keeps me alive, they are what gives this journey meaning. Now as I look back at her and some of my most cherished memories include her and as of late some of my saddest. My heart and my head are in a wrestling match and I don't know which will win. So I pray. I pray Lord lead me. Father help me to not become bitter. Holy Creator wrap me in your love and keep me from this world. Show me Father, how to love and still keep the boundaries that I need. Heavenly Counselor give me wisdom. Prince of Peace humble me and make my heart sweet again. Jesus hear my words and know they come with love. Amen



And now I know I have done all that I can do.

Together

She is married! Red wedding dress and all. The ceremony was beautiful and even though there were a few little glitches they made no difference in the end. To see the joy on her face was enough to erase any stress from my memory. Now, the picture... One might expect the bride and groom, or at least the wedding party, but my son-in-law Dylan took this picture and maybe it might seem a bit silly, but it's my favorite. Now that all the girls are grown and on their own it isn't often we are all in the same place at the same time. Here we are my beautiful girls and me. I cherished the moment this picture was taken. Chaos everywhere, wedding guests milling about, the final touches on the decorating going on, keep the groom away the bride is out and he can't see her yet, it goes on and on, but right at that minute the world stopped for me and I was surrounded by the beauty of my girls. I could feel the warmth of them, smell them, each their own scent sweet, spicy. I could see them, touch them and be reminded of the miracle they are. My babies all grown up. Women, beautiful women. Did I have anything to do with that? Pride tells me yes, I formed them all, but honesty reminds me they are who they are despite me. I would be such a liar to say that I have no regrets in the way they were raised. On the other hand I am pleased in so many ways of their upbringing. They know what is important and the material isn't even near the top of their lists. I hope that is because their father and I instilled family in that spot. So here in the place I had set aside to lament on the walk down the aisle, the flowers, the music, the food, the kiss, I have strayed from the path and taken the one traveled by the mother of the bride. That path that you can't help but linger on when your little princesses become women and all you long for is to feel them snuggled up close with their heads beneath your chin, their little face against your chest where they can hear the beating of your heart beat just for them and they know beyond any doubt that they are loved. Sometimes the path feels so long and steep, but in reality it is a short little lane and the time spent there is unforgettable. So for you Jazzie, my baby in red, I am so happy for you and I hope you can forgive my selfish moment and understand that this picture warms my heart and reminds me that for a few moments we were all together and you all knew you were loved.