It's a funny thing: this life, this heart. Just when you think you've reached your limit and you can't handle one more thing...One more thing comes speeding at you and before you know it you've been hit you are knee deep in the What do I do Now's. What do I say to my beautiful husband when he tells me I am too distant? How do I tell him I am already lonesome and he hasn't even left yet? I try to speak, but the tears come and all my words are a jumbled up mess in the depths of my throat. Caught there trapped and unsaid. I am definitely not the typical 10,000 word a day woman and in times like these I find it best to say very little. My eyes are like a summer sprinkler watering a barren lawn; tears fall without provocation and he is confused. How do I tell him it's okay to go? How do I tell him the tears aren't all sad and as a matter of fact I am happy for him. I am happy for this opportunity. I am happy for the journey and for the paths we both take. I am not afraid to be alone I do well alone, but I know my heart will ache and my body will long for his touch. The way he touches me when I least expect it. The way he watches me when he thinks I'm not looking. The way he kisses me every morning before he dresses and faces his day. The way he tells me I am beautiful usually when I am feeling my ugliest.
I would be lying if I said everything was perfect between us, but we have come so far in the last few months. He is starting to explore his world with emotion and I see now out in the open the man I always new he was. I could always see behind the facade, this man, this beautiful, beautiful man. A man strong, not afraid to cry, a man of God, a man of integrity, a gentle man, a good and caring man. I know this job will be good for us. I am a little jealous he gets to go and I have to stay here. Not that I am that much into living in South East Alaska, but that they will have him every day and our bed will be down one person. I love the way he smells when he sleeps; a combination of soap and shampoo with an undertone of diesel that just wont wash away. It seems the blankets warm him up like an incense burner and the smell of him fills me up. I feel safe when he's there and when he kisses me goodbye I move to his spot in our bed and I breathe him in and all is well. How does one get used to sleeping alone? How does the heart adjust? I guess I am going to find out.
It's funny I guess. I have known this day was coming soon and now that it's here I am finding it harder than I thought to find my courage. To be strong and know that all will be well. We pray everyday for the Lord to provide and believe that He will. This is an answer to our prayers and it feels right. I have never questioned the rightness of it. I have no trepidations. I think I just realized right this very moment that it is the right thing to do. It is what the Lord has given Thomas and I. And he promises to never give more than we can take. So I will rely and that promise and I will hold fast and know that my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my strength is only a phone call away. He is only a plane ride away. He is and will be right here with me tucked safely away in my heart. I will wrap myself in his shirts and breathe in the scent of him and all will be well.
He has given me a gift. In truth he has given me many gifts in the last few months. Most of them have not been material gifts, but gifts of himself. He has, maybe for the very first time, given me his heart and even though I hurt him he still gives it everyday. It's a precious gift and one I cherish. On the material side he gave me a puppy. Bebe. I named her Bebe because I think it sounds kinda sassy and she is kinda sassy. She is a funny little puppy and I am deeply in love with her. This was a gift of sacrifice for him. He didn't want a dog or any of the responsibility that comes with having a dog, but he knew I wanted a dog and he made the desire of my heart a reality. I have wanted a Corgi puppy for years and now I have one and she is perfect. Every time I look at her I think of him and how much I love him. I hope he knows that I know what an important gift she is.
For now I am going to stand up straight, wipe away the tears, and let him know everyday how much I love and appreciate him. He is the love of my life. I know he was a gift from God. He has taught me so much about love, about myself and what it means to be a partner. He is my strength on this earth and I am grateful for him. So here or there I am just gonna love him with all I got and hope that he can feel my love across the miles. In this life the list is very short of people that have made a mark on my life that remains with me today and has formed the way I see this world. Thomas makes me want to be better. He makes me want to be the best I can be. Even something as small as not biting my finger nails he celebrates for me. He is proud of me. It makes me want to do better. To be a better person and I think that is the center of what God intended love to be. So thank you Thomas. Because of you I have been able to throw away most of the heavy baggage that I came to you with and I am peaceful. I can breathe...I can breathe. Oh, my sweet, beautiful husband I wish I had the words to tell you how very much you have influenced my life, how every trial has made us stronger, how every happy minute has made me so very, very glad that you found me and I found you.
