No Regrets...

Christmas, a time to reflect on the year, the love we share, not just for each other, but the love of a savior, the love of a father and the sacrifice he made for us. My husband and I hosted a Christmas party for both of our families in 1998. It was a big affair and much to my surprise everyone came. I am sure now that it was a gift from the Lord. A gift for each of us. Everyone walking away with a different gift , but a gift all the same. I didn't know then that it was the last Christmas I would spend with my dad. Nor, did I know that it would be the last holiday of any kind that I would spend with my sister. As I was standing in the back room mashing potatoes for forty five with my daddy and laughing at the use of Coleman stoves to cook for so many I was caught up in the delight of spending time in the kitchen with him. I wasn't thinking ahead to a time when he would no longer be mashing potatoes of carving turkey. I cherished that moment in time, held it close to my heart both then and now. My last Christmas with my daddy. My sister was fighting cancer and appeared to be in a winning phase and that was good. My mom, just a couple days later would end up in the ICU, bleeding from who knows where and chemo would follow. I was tired, tired from all the work of the party, tired from all of the Dr. visits, tired from all of the worry. Wondering when I would lose them. Would I have another Christmas?

Now ten years later, all of our children are grown and on their own. I am an orphan. My sister is resting in Heaven with my mom and dad. I am happy for them. I have a vision of them together looking down on all of us and smiling. Holding tight to one another and waiting for our time to come again. That is the greatness of a Savior and a life eternal; the simple thought that never again for all of eternity will I ever, or those that I love, be alone. I have friends and family who seem to take for granted their time here on this earth. Take for granted that the ones they love will be here when they feel like hanging out. They seem to think that time is irrelevant. That time some how stands still and when they deem it ready that all the ones they love will be anxiously waiting in the wings to be graced by their presence. Wouldn't it be amazing if it worked that way? Then there would be no regrets. There would be no what if's. What if I would have just gone last Christmas? What if i would have just set aside my differences and loved them with all my heart? Did they know how much I loved them? Did they know they were important to me?

So many questions and too few answers. I don't know why, but I am grateful that God allowed me no regrets. No what if's. He just made me the kind of daughter that wanted more than anything to be with her parents. The kind of sister that even though we weren't raised together she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me. This whole idea of taking for granted my loved ones has been laying so heavy on my heart these last few days I had to find a way to get rid of it. So here it is written down and tucked away so that I can move on. I pray I never have to comfort someone that I love through regrets and what if's. Someone I know just told me we all want to be Norman Rockwell family at Christmas. We all have too many expectations of what Christmas is really all about. It reminds me of Clark Griswald in Christmas Vacation. It wasn't about presents and all the other stuff that junks up what Christmas really is. It was about family, the good and the bad, the weak and the strong, about getting all together and throwing out, if only for a day or a week, all that makes us crazy about each other and coming together as one great big bunch to just let everyone know they are loved. It is the gift that Christmas is. The gift given down from Heaven above. The gift of love and salvation. And right here on this earth when times seem tough and we can't always feel the love of Christ he gives us each other to remind us that love is abundant and it comes in many forms. So for those of you who take love and loved ones for granted I hope and pray that the Lord gives you the time to make it right and that there will be no regrets and no what if's in your life. And for those of you who have no regrets I am happy for you and blessed by your ability to love.

Merry Christmas, joy, peace and much love,
Kim

Thanksgiving

I guess we had a fine Thanksgiving lots of laughter around the table and the turkey, well, it was my best, if I do say so myself. All of my kids except Sarah were home and I'm getting used to holidays without her. I wish she lived closer and maybe someday soon she will, but for now I am learning to accept those things that I cannot change. A hard lesson that one, learning to accept the things that make your heart ache. Learning that heart ache is what you make it. It either rules you, or you take charge and rule it. I am taking the lead on heart ache now and it feels pretty darn good. I still though, don't understand when families hurt each other. When mommies say and do things to hurt their children, when daddies turn away from their daughters... I ran into an old "friend" the other day and she is expecting her second grand baby. For me a new grandchild is another little piece of Heaven right here on this Earth, but she wasn't happy at all. She was mad that her son had fathered yet another child without thinking before screwing as she put it. Sad... It isn't the baby's fault that his father doesn't think first or with the correct head. I am guessing now that that sweet little baby is going to need all the love he can get. I also have a friend who is expecting her first grand child and the baby is going to be born very sick. She will need surgery within days if not hours of being born and though everyone has their hopes high I know there is fear lurking in the background and I think about her daughter. As a mom you wish only to keep fear and pain at bay for your children and in this case both of those things are impossible. So you rely on your faith to bring the much needed peace and you pray that God, the Father, reigns down all the mercy and grace he can muster.

As the holidays approach I am more thankful than ever. Thankful for my girls, for their babies, for my family, my friends and yes, even for moist turkey. I no longer will live in the past and the sadness of it. I miss my mom and my daddy so very much, but I know they are still here with me and as for the stuff that happened that has caused much sadness in my life I have forgiven those that need forgiveness and that includes forgiving myself for allowing the tragedy that happened to have taken place. Forgiveness is a much needed necessity and now that it has taken place my life is so much easier to accept. So, there is that word again, accept, hmmmmm....... I wonder why it has taken me so long to accept acceptance. I may never know. For now, I am just happy I have a loving husband, happy children and the most beautiful, smartest grandchildren on this earth. Oh yeah, I got to meet my 9th grandchild the other day. I cannot wait until he/she is born and in my arms. Yes, I have much to be thankful for.