"Aunt" Jemimah

This is Lily Kate. She is my sweet granddaughter full of life and her own very interesting take on this world. I always love to get her view on things I usually learn something. Her mom is going to have a baby. It took Lily a few days before she could grasp the idea of her mommy having a baby in her tummy after all Auntie Backle just had McKenna in her tummy and you could definitely tell that something was going on inside. It was big and round and even moved every now and again. She could touch it, feel it move, but her mommies tummy was just the same as it always was. It took her sister Iris to convince her that the whole thing wasn't a joke. Now come the questions. With much though she asked me one day if her mommy was going to have her tummy cut open like Backle. I explained that mommy would have her new baby brother or sister a different way, but it would be up to mommy to tell her how. Lily was fine with that and our conversation went on to more important things like could she have her candy that we had bought at the store for after dinner. A few days went by and my phone rang it was Jazzie, Lily's mommy, calling to tell me that she and Lily had had a little talk and she, like me, had learned a little something from having spent some time chatting with Lily. Now, as you know most families have names for certain areas of their children's anatomy. Jazz has always referred to the girls private parts as their "girl spots". This has been fine up until now. As Jazzie tried to explain that the new baby would emerge into this world via her girl spots. Lily looked very confused, so began the use of correct terminology. Mommy has a vagina, (the big V word), just like your girl spots, Jazzie explained and the baby slides through it and out the opening and into the world. Lily contemplated this new word and realized with much joy that she too had a Jemimah! Now, I ask you, my fellow sisters, isn't Jemimah a much sweeter word that the ol' "V" word? I say let us unite and together make the change. From now on we birth our children through our Jemimah, menstruate, make love... You get the picture. Historically it has been men who have come up with alternative names for that very sacred place. Now we as women can fight back and instead of some nasty and ugly name that a man has come up with we as women can stand together for change and embrace our JEMIMAH.

Loss

I suffered a loss this weekend. She didn't die, she just ceased being the woman she was and finished the metamorphosis she has been going through for the last twelve or so years. I am void of feeling. Empty. Sad. She is here on this earth, in this world and yet the last glimmer of the person she was, the woman I grew up with and admired, the woman I hoped to emulate someday is gone. In a word I know she would understand our relationship has become "toxic" to me. I know that if I continue to nurture this relationship I will only get hurt and am I willing to continue in hope that she will return? I think not. I must take a stand for myself, for my heart and just say good bye. Now, I am left with this dilemma. Do I tell her I love her with every beat of my heart, but something has changed between us and I can't continue putting myself in this position, or do I quietly walk away and cherish my sweet memories??? What would Christ do? I know that he would continue to love, but how would He, have me, for a lack of a better word, behave in this situation?



In this life we play at the relationship game. We love, we laugh, we cry, we are passionate, lazy, carefree, obsessed, tired, sated and in the end we hope that we have left a legacy of love. That those who matter to us know they were indeed loved. Someone I know once told me she wanted her Epitaph to read, "She loved Well". The words people would remember her by when she has left this world. The simple little words that come to mind when her loved ones reminisce over coffee during the holidays.. She Loved Well. What more could someone want than to be remembered with such elegant words. I have thought over the years about this little sentence and I hope my loved ones know that I love them... I love them to the moon and back (thank you Lily), that I love them just as they are, that they are what keeps me alive, they are what gives this journey meaning. Now as I look back at her and some of my most cherished memories include her and as of late some of my saddest. My heart and my head are in a wrestling match and I don't know which will win. So I pray. I pray Lord lead me. Father help me to not become bitter. Holy Creator wrap me in your love and keep me from this world. Show me Father, how to love and still keep the boundaries that I need. Heavenly Counselor give me wisdom. Prince of Peace humble me and make my heart sweet again. Jesus hear my words and know they come with love. Amen



And now I know I have done all that I can do.

Together

She is married! Red wedding dress and all. The ceremony was beautiful and even though there were a few little glitches they made no difference in the end. To see the joy on her face was enough to erase any stress from my memory. Now, the picture... One might expect the bride and groom, or at least the wedding party, but my son-in-law Dylan took this picture and maybe it might seem a bit silly, but it's my favorite. Now that all the girls are grown and on their own it isn't often we are all in the same place at the same time. Here we are my beautiful girls and me. I cherished the moment this picture was taken. Chaos everywhere, wedding guests milling about, the final touches on the decorating going on, keep the groom away the bride is out and he can't see her yet, it goes on and on, but right at that minute the world stopped for me and I was surrounded by the beauty of my girls. I could feel the warmth of them, smell them, each their own scent sweet, spicy. I could see them, touch them and be reminded of the miracle they are. My babies all grown up. Women, beautiful women. Did I have anything to do with that? Pride tells me yes, I formed them all, but honesty reminds me they are who they are despite me. I would be such a liar to say that I have no regrets in the way they were raised. On the other hand I am pleased in so many ways of their upbringing. They know what is important and the material isn't even near the top of their lists. I hope that is because their father and I instilled family in that spot. So here in the place I had set aside to lament on the walk down the aisle, the flowers, the music, the food, the kiss, I have strayed from the path and taken the one traveled by the mother of the bride. That path that you can't help but linger on when your little princesses become women and all you long for is to feel them snuggled up close with their heads beneath your chin, their little face against your chest where they can hear the beating of your heart beat just for them and they know beyond any doubt that they are loved. Sometimes the path feels so long and steep, but in reality it is a short little lane and the time spent there is unforgettable. So for you Jazzie, my baby in red, I am so happy for you and I hope you can forgive my selfish moment and understand that this picture warms my heart and reminds me that for a few moments we were all together and you all knew you were loved.