Loss

I suffered a loss this weekend. She didn't die, she just ceased being the woman she was and finished the metamorphosis she has been going through for the last twelve or so years. I am void of feeling. Empty. Sad. She is here on this earth, in this world and yet the last glimmer of the person she was, the woman I grew up with and admired, the woman I hoped to emulate someday is gone. In a word I know she would understand our relationship has become "toxic" to me. I know that if I continue to nurture this relationship I will only get hurt and am I willing to continue in hope that she will return? I think not. I must take a stand for myself, for my heart and just say good bye. Now, I am left with this dilemma. Do I tell her I love her with every beat of my heart, but something has changed between us and I can't continue putting myself in this position, or do I quietly walk away and cherish my sweet memories??? What would Christ do? I know that he would continue to love, but how would He, have me, for a lack of a better word, behave in this situation?



In this life we play at the relationship game. We love, we laugh, we cry, we are passionate, lazy, carefree, obsessed, tired, sated and in the end we hope that we have left a legacy of love. That those who matter to us know they were indeed loved. Someone I know once told me she wanted her Epitaph to read, "She loved Well". The words people would remember her by when she has left this world. The simple little words that come to mind when her loved ones reminisce over coffee during the holidays.. She Loved Well. What more could someone want than to be remembered with such elegant words. I have thought over the years about this little sentence and I hope my loved ones know that I love them... I love them to the moon and back (thank you Lily), that I love them just as they are, that they are what keeps me alive, they are what gives this journey meaning. Now as I look back at her and some of my most cherished memories include her and as of late some of my saddest. My heart and my head are in a wrestling match and I don't know which will win. So I pray. I pray Lord lead me. Father help me to not become bitter. Holy Creator wrap me in your love and keep me from this world. Show me Father, how to love and still keep the boundaries that I need. Heavenly Counselor give me wisdom. Prince of Peace humble me and make my heart sweet again. Jesus hear my words and know they come with love. Amen



And now I know I have done all that I can do.